The short end of the stick.

Have you seen movies or stories which show of a group of people gathered together to decide who does the dirty work? A solution would probably always be to draw sticks. The person with the shortest stick will be chosen to do the task everyone is trying to avoid, take for example, the movie "Amagadon" the person who has the shortest stick have to stay behind and push the atomatic bomb to destory a destructive comet heading to earth.
That's exactly how i feel nowadays in school. I feel im always the unlucky one recieving the "shortest" stick. Why i feel so? Simple. The midterm papers have just ended for me. Ive got back all the results. MA below average, Econs average at best, Fin well done. You see, 2 out of 3 papers, i didnt do soo well, escpially for MA..i really want to say..fck this module, i spent the entire 2weeks studying for this module and in the end my results like shit, yes i know myself, im not particularly good at operations since the begining (Operational management) yucks to both topics, but the least i gave my best.. apprently my best isn't enuff and i envy people who can immediately get the concept right the first time and score 49/50 for the test!! I wonder what this people eat also..haha. But the thing is, i just don't like to be belong average or let alone be average, i desire to be the top, i desire to do well
I hunger for growth and power.. to be very frank the greatest fear to me is not cockroaches (yes im still scared) but is being average.. yes i hate this word average, i refuse to live simply, i refuse to be label as middle income , of couse this is not to say living simply and middle income is bad, it's just that i desire more.. to be acedamically well, financial free, impacting people etc. One of the things i dislike about my mum, is that she always tell people and me to live simply, this doesnt suit me at all..definately not.

But it seems that no matter what i do, how hard working or focus i am, i just seem to end up getting the short end of the stick..why is this so? Why god? Why is my academaic interlligence only soo much? Sometimes i even ask myself "im i really stupid?" "Do i belong in this school in the first place?" these indeed are negative thoughts and i try my very best to stop thinking such things. But sometimes it can;t be helped, my GPA is already trying to hit 2nd upper and banks they want is the minimum above second upper..wth. I have fears that i might be unemployable or worse end up in an average job.. damn. Perhaps this is where faith comes in, faith in the lord that he will provide whether thru business or employment or investments and guide my life. The future for me seems quite uncertain.. i don;t know what i really like or passionate about, i don't know whether my GPA will maintain or raise or fall, i don't know whether the current businesses im in is the right path, i don't know if im really qualified to be in this school etc soo many uncertainties. Sometimes it's really sad to realize you are not in the same ledge as others in terms of academaic and smartness. Seriously, im not happy in school, i havent been happy since the trip in tawian. I feel the things im doing is to meet expectations, i dont like it!.

But i have to reaffrim myself, that i am indeed "smart" yes i am.. i am SMART beacuse to realize that im not smart enough and reaffirming it, to counter the negativity , is indeed a smart move itself.. get it? lol. Coming back to the problems im facing, i will do my best again, perhaps try a different study style? i don;t know.. People who watch the anime bleach will realize this is the same problems many acrancars go thru , like they eat many other hollows can still cannot evolve into an espada. How can i reach this espada stage? I want to know..i really do!!!
something i wish i can have someone to talk to this about,someone who knows what im going thru , im i being spoiled? Im i being reactive? im i doing something wrong? Tell me plz.. tell me the right way and i will definately do it. I wish i had "him" back, though we have gotten quite apart recently, i wish i can go back in time to change somethings that happened between us (and perhaps put all my money into genting stocks..lol) but i can't turn time , the only way now is for me to move forward and trust the lord. And if i can send one sentence to Jesus now, this would be it "Hey God, help me to trust you and direct my thinking , my business, my book,studies ,investments and my life..surprise me plz!" amen.